Family Conflict

Make the Holidays Less Depressing

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There are very few times of year that are as polarizing amongst people as the holidays. Some find it to be a magical season full of cheer, togetherness, and gifts galore. Others view the holidays like a stretch of bad, unpaved road—just white knuckling their way through until it passes. Generally, people’s attitudes toward the holidays are closely linked to the highs or lows they experience going into the season. Finances, family issues, work, friends…it all factors into the holly jolly equation to shape what we think of the holidays. Those who struggle with the season of giving are not alone, and can always use a little extra support to make it through. So, regardless of your perception of the holidays, here are a few quick tips to make them more emotionally manageable.

Have vs. Have Not

The holiday season comes with the inevitable onslaught of commercials for gifts and things we are enticed to want. Clever advertising and marketing campaigns are designed to sell us the image of the lifestyle we are told to strive for, rather than the one we actually have; mainly because companies want people to buy their products. It’s easy to fall victim to seasonal tunnel vision, focusing on the things we don’t have in our lives versus what’s right in front of us. This trend also goes beyond mere consumerism. The holidays paint pictures of having the ideal family that’s loving, giving, never fights without resolving their differences, and always comes out stronger in the end. If you don’t believe me, turn on the Hallmark Channel at any hour, day or night, during the months of November and December. 

Sure, focusing on what we lack helps us to establish goals, but if it goes unchecked it can quickly lead to feelings of inadequacy that exacerbate sadness and anger. Most of our lives right now are probably far from perfect, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t valuable things in them worth our attention. These don’t have to be items of monetary value (although they can be if that’s your thing). A close friend, a loving spouse, children, physical/mental health, a good job, a passion project—these can all be things we hold dear. Find your blessings where you can and count them.

The Link Between Body and Mood

In the winter, many of us instinctively act like hibernating bears. We pack on the pounds and want to find a nice warm place to relax and wait out the cold. During the holidays this instinct goes into overdrive with the addition of cookies, stuffing, heavy meats, candy canes, gingerbread, egg nog, potato latkes, fruit cake…you get the idea. Suddenly our pants don’t fit and it’s WAY too cold outside to go for a run.

The problem with treating our bodies like a playground rather than a temple (other than a potential coronary) is that it wreaks havoc on our mood. Sugar crashes, food comas, and cabin fever with family members work in concert to cause us to become irritable, impatient, antisocial, tired, and not to mention responsible for the worst digestive gas imaginable. To combat this holiday trend, be mindful of what we eat. Sure, have a few indulgences, but try to keep it in moderation and balance it with something green and leafy besides the Christmas tree. Also, try working in some light exercise here and there to burn a few calories and blow off steam. If you’re in a cold weather state, some small workouts at home can do the trick (pushups, sit-ups, lunges, squats). Also, don’t underestimate the magic of the great outdoors. So bundle up and go for a walk in the winter wonderland to help clear your head.

Take Family in Small Bites

As adults, we’ve likely become accustomed to functioning independently and handling the daily responsibilities that come with it (probably). Well, now that we’re spending the holidays with the family that raised us, it’s time to forget all that! Get ready for family dynamics to come rushing back with a vengeance. For some, this may not be a bad thing. For others, it conjures memories of parents reminding you how to perform even the simplest of tasks, sibling rivalries, relatives second guessing our career choices, and who can leave out passive aggressive in-laws? Family has a way of unwittingly stripping us of how much we’ve grown, which leads us to feel resentful and ultimately dampens our mood.

For those headed home for the holidays that expect to spend time with family (especially family they don’t see very often) it’s best to break up the exposure into chunks to prevent overload. Try keeping certain interactions brief if there is a high probability of conflict. Avoid hot-button discussion topics. The common temptation is to tell off insensitive family members, but that will often make us look like the crazy ones—especially if open, respectful family communication is still on the wish list. Instead, try taking five. Go for a walk, take a nap, read a book, or check in with a friend and swap war stories about their family feud. And remember, people generally love to talk about themselves. So the best way to shift unwanted focus away from ourselves is to take an interest in others.

Develop A Holiday Routine 

Some people thrive on routine. Their world makes sense when things follow a well-polished schedule that incorporates work, family, friends, and self-care. Unfortunately, the holiday season excels at throwing order into upheaval. Special events, odd work hours, family gatherings, the kids are out of school and MUST be entertained…it can be a real mess. A far departure from our daily routine can easily cause us to feel disorganized and depressed, particularly when we consider that self-care is generally the first casualty. 

A way to boost morale and maintain some semblance of order to the holidays is to create a flexible structure. Craft a holiday routine that includes elements of your normal regimen, but can also accommodate special circumstances and X-factors. Make a go-to list of a couple fun activities for the kids that are readily available. Tack on extra time to scheduled outings and events to account for transition time (which always takes family f-o-r-e-v-e-r for some reason). Don’t be afraid to recruit family members to help manage obligations so you can get some work done or grab some restorative down time.

What the Holidays Mean to You

Many people find the holidays to be particularly challenging emotionally because of what they represent. If we lost a loved one, for example, the holidays can be a cruel reminder of how life used to be at this time of year. Loneliness during the holiday season is common among people who are struggling with loss in any form: a breakup, a divorce, the passing of a close friend or relative. Combine that heartache with ubiquitous messages about togetherness and good cheer and it can drive anyone to Scrooge-town.

If there is a universal truth to be said about depression, it’s that it feeds off isolation. When we feel sad we instinctively want to be alone to deal with our problems privately—and to avoid the guilt that comes with having someone worry about us. This is a healthy, and normal part of the process required to work through our thoughts and feelings. However, it’s important to regulate our isolation, and balance it with support from friends, family, and whomever else we can turn to that we trust. The reason we need others is simple. If we are in a hopeless mindset, sitting alone with no one else to offer us perspective or contrary ideas, we can easily fall into the vortex of negativistic thinking. Sadness fuels anger, which gives rise to resentment, and all the while we feel that no one else “gets it” as we recede further from the rest of humanity. In short, one way to help alleviate depression is to starve it of isolation. Find a way to make a connection.

Manage Expectations and Challenge Perceptions 

Fact: our perspective dictates our reality. How we view anything, including the holidays, will ultimately determine how we experience them. If we cringe in anticipation of family get-togethers laced with superficial conversations with relatives in which we must repeatedly regurgitate our “life stats” for the year, we stand little chance of enjoying ourselves. Yet, if we consciously alter our perspective and manage expectations of the experience, suddenly the dynamic can be different.

Using the “family get-together” example, let’s first identify expectations. If the chronic family “stop-n-chat” bothers us, it may be that we are unhappy being peppered with shallow questions, or wish our families had more meaningful conversations. Consider that perhaps we are holding family to a standard of closeness that is unrealistic for them. If we adapt our expectations to accept family as they are, we are far less likely to be disappointed. 

With regard to perspective, if we go into a situation convinced that we will have a bad experience, we most certainly will. The mind is keen on highlighting evidence to confirm an existing belief we hold, while quickly dismissing contradictory information. It’s called confirmation bias. A potential way to shift perspective here is to focus outwardly, rather than inward. Maybe you cannot stand holiday family dinners, but you know it makes your parents happy that everyone is together. So putting up with family might help you to feel good that you are doing right by others. Another approach is to sidestep the common “all-or-nothing” mindset. This can be achieved by shifting focus away from viewing the holidays collectively, averaging out the experiences to determine if they were generally “bad” or “good,” and instead pay attention to individual experiences that can be uplifting. Maybe there was a moment when we actually had one great conversation with a relative, or found joy in playing with a baby cousin, or saw someone light up when we gave them a gift they really wanted. 

A Final Thought

No matter what the holidays have in store for you, good or bad, be kind to yourself. Too often our frustration with the season gets driven inward as we silently rebuke ourselves for being a grinch that watches others seem perfectly happy. It’s okay that the holidays are hard for some of us. It comes with the territory. But if this truly is the season of giving, first give yourself some love, then things might not seem so depressing after all.

ADHD Strategy Guide for Parents: PART I

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Why I Made This Guide

If your son or daughter has been diagnosed with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), odds are that you already have experienced some of the parenting challenges that come with it. Even more likely is your growing concern about your child’s ability to handle the necessities of life both now, and more importantly, in the future. In my time as a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in treating adolescent and adult ADHD, I am consistently astonished at the lack of information parents are given about ADHD after their child has received the diagnosis. In an effort to properly equip parents, I created the following guide to serve as a quick reference on Attention-Deficit disorder. It is designed to address different aspects of conceptualizing and working with the disorder. I hope you find it to be an informative and useful tool to: (a) better understand your child, (b) develop creative ways of connecting with him/her, (c) avoid parental burnout, and (d) give your child the best chance to succeed academically, personally, and socially. The following is Part I: Understanding.

Managing Expectations

The first and possibly most important point I can emphasize to parents is that if your child has ADHD (especially if you do not) he or she probably does not think like you do. This goes beyond the simple differences that separate the priorities of adults and kids. We are talking about fundamentally different ways of mental processing, information absorption, and execution of behaviors. If these differences are ignored, misunderstood, or go unaccommodated,  they can lead to a number of emotional issues and detrimental habits that can carry into adulthood. Understanding these differences and how kids express them is a crucial first step in helping them to thrive.

Attention Span

THE CHALLENGES

  1. Often very short capacity to maintain focus compared to their peers when it comes to things ADHD kids don’t like (e.g. homework, listening in class). Conversely, attention span can be seemingly infinite when it comes to things they do like (e.g. video games, watching YouTube).
  2. Easily distracted by visual and auditory stimuli (things they see and hear).
  3. Often have a difficult time prioritizing incoming information. Trying to have a conversation with them in a crowded or noisy room can be a challenge because the ADHD brain struggles to determine which information it picks up is most important.
  4. Prone to daydreaming or random thoughts that pop up and draw their attention elsewhere.

THE BENEFITS

  1. Propensity for creativity and invention as time spent daydreaming is when new ideas are formed.
  2. Being easily distracted by one’s environment isn’t always a bad thing. This can make teens hyper-aware of their surroundings, giving way to fast reflexes and heightened spacial awareness. This can be particularly useful when playing sports. Teens with ADHD may appear to be naturally gifted athletes.
  3. Teens with ADHD can be highly observant, as their distractibility makes them curious.

Disorganization

THE CHALLENGES

  1. Consistent difficulty with planning, organizing, and creating/maintaining structure or routine.
  2. Likely to find complex objectives that require multiple steps to be tedious and a challenge. There is a deficit in the ability to prioritize tasks, to think linearly, and to focus on both long and short-term goals at once. Therefore those with ADHD are prone to giving up such endeavors due to frustration.
  3. The ability to place events in order of sequence can be limited. This may manifest in a number of ways such as difficulty recounting the events of the day, or in telling a story.
  4. Are frequently unprepared for tasks, projects, or assignments that require significant planning.

THE BENEFITS

  1. Due to inherent difficulties with strategic planning and forward thinking, teens with ADHD often compensate in the only way they know how: to adapt.
  2. More likely to be flexible in the moment and successful on the fly, adapting to the necessities of the situation.
  3. ADHD kids may seem witty or clever as they can process rapidly in certain situations.
  4. Resourcefulness: without organizational skills, teens learn to recruit the help of others.
  5. Are often self-taught, preferring to learn from experience in the moment rather than reading a manual or text book.

Forgetfulness

THE CHALLENGES

  1. Due to shortened attention span and high distractibility, encoding information and memories is often more challenging.
  2. Can frequently lose or misplace personal items due to lack of attention and organizational skills.
  3. Likely to forget to do things that are not seen as instinctively important to them (e.g. chores, checking in with parents).
  4. May resort to lying about completing chores or homework that they forgot to do in order to avoid punishment or disappointment.
  5. Can be prone to interrupting others in conversation. This is due, in part, to thoughts or ideas coming quickly and the fear that their contributions can easily be forgotten if not shared immediately. It is also due to a lack of impulse control, which will be addressed later.

THE BENEFITS

  1. ADHD teens may be better able to let go of anger and frustration by moving on quickly.
  2. Teens develop a stronger sense of what is important to them as indicated by the things they choose to remember.

Pleasure Drive

THE CHALLENGES

  1. Extremely strong attraction toward excitement, activities that are pleasurable, or anything enjoyable or new.
  2. Likely to prioritize fun over obligations.
  3. May lie or be deceitful to get out of responsibilities in order to resume pleasurable activities.
  4. May require constant reinforcement, validation, or reward to see obligations as worthwhile.

THE BENEFITS

  1. Frequently seen as fun-loving by friends and family, the life of the party.
  2. Often regarded as charming.
  3. Can use creativity to find ways to make the mundane more exciting and interesting. 
  4. Like to make others happy.

Impulsivity

THE CHALLENGES

  1. Those with ADHD are prone to low impulse control, which is the difficulty resisting sudden intense urges or desires that they feel must be met in order to avoid sadness, anxiety, or frustration.
  2. May suddenly blurt out words, thoughts, sounds, songs, etc…
  3. Behavior can often come across as rampant silliness or juvenile.
  4. Likely to act without thinking.
  5. Likely to be more reactive to their environment than their peers.
  6. Can develop a sudden desire or “wanting” of something, and can act out emotionally or aggressively if this desire is not met.
  7. Can be more susceptible to peer influence.

THE BENEFITS

  1. Impulsivity can take the form of spontaneity, leading to adventure.
  2. Less likely to “over-think” things, teens with ADHD are more likely to try new things and have new experiences.
  3. May demonstrate bravery, and are more likely to take risks.
  4. Like to joke and keep the mood light.

Frustration Tolerance

THE CHALLENGES

  1. Teens with ADHD often have a significantly lower frustration threshold than their peers.
  2. Likely to exhibit a strong resistance toward things that cause mental fatigue or frustration.
  3. May abandon interests or pursuits that they are not instantly good at or that suddenly become harder over time (e.g. school, sports, creative arts)
  4. Difficulty with things that require sustained mental effort.
  5. Can be emotionally explosive when efforts are not fruitful, are interrupted, or result in failure (e.g. throwing a tantrum when losing at a video game or team sport).
  6. Will frequently turn to pleasurable activities quickly when frustrated rather than work through challenges.
  7. Highly impatient, usually with themselves, likely due to unrealistic expectations of their abilities or of how rapidly a task should be completed or a skill learned.

THE BENEFITS

  1. Dramatic examples of frustration and emotional reactivity make it easier for parents and educators to identify when a teen with ADHD is struggling.
  2. Due to frequent frustration, teens with ADHD are more likely to know what soothes and calms them based on the activities they seek out when they reach the limits of their frustration.

Boredom with Routine

THE CHALLENGES

  1. Tendency to be easily bored correlates to the need for newness.
  2. May succeed for a period of time with routine when it is still “new,” but will frequently fall apart or intentionally deviate from routine when the “shine of newness” wears off, or if frustration sets in.
  3. May initiate conscious or unconscious efforts to sabotage routines just to break the perceived monotony.
  4. Require unique and evolving means of maintaining their interest.

THE BENEFITS

  1. To avoid boredom, teens with ADHD are more apt to find new and creative ways of doing something.
  2. Likely to employ and nurture skills of ingenuity.
  3. Able to find more than one way of solving a problem or completing a task. Can occasionally find a more efficient way through trial and error.
  4. As with impulsivity, boredom with routine leads to trying new things.
  5. Drawn to activities or interests that are unique or out of the norm.
  6. May seek professions as adults that involve what they “love to do” rather than those which merely pay the bills. This can lead to a more fulfilling work life.

Constantly Changing Interests

THE CHALLENGES

  1. Very common in those with ADHD due to a combination of the excitement drawn from new things/passions/endeavors and chronic abandonment of those very same things when they become challenging, routine, or frustration sets in.
  2. Likely to struggle with following through when it comes to pursuits.
  3. Many projects get started, few are seen through to completion.
  4. Prone to difficulty in one or more of the following areas: starting something, maintaining effort, or finishing something.
  5. Can be extremely confusing and frustrating for parents as ADHD kids may seem “all-in” with a passion or activity one minute, then “totally over it” the next.

THE BENEFITS

  1. Teens with ADHD can be natural problem solvers, finding quick resolutions to problems and moving on to the next issue before their focus/interests change.
  2. Frequently changing interests can provide ADHD teens with exposure to many different pursuits, giving them a larger pool of passions to draw from.
  3. Driven to variety, potentially expanding worldview and understanding others and their interests.

Achievement vs. Potential

  1. Those with ADHD often demonstrate intelligence, creativity, passion, and quick-wittedness, which suggest strong potential for success. 
  2. Due to combinations of the cognitive processing/behavioral issues mentioned above, productivity and achievement are often far below what is seen as their potential.
  3. Performance may continue to drop precipitously due to chronic disappointment exhibited by family members, educators, and mentors because those with ADHD appear to be squandering their innate talents.
  4. Those with ADHD are often aware of their abilities and are just as bothered by their inconsistency as those around them, though this often goes unexpressed by teens.
  5. Secondary emotional symptoms often develop (e.g. depression, anxiety, anger) resulting from years of shame, living with disappointing others, peer rejection, and feeling misunderstood.

Part I Conclusion

It’s important to consider the mental and behavioral traits of adolescents with ADHD with an open mind. Not all teens necessarily exhibit these characteristics and not all have the same level of functionality. Many kids have developed “ADHD-like symptoms” where they demonstrate some of the behaviors above, but not enough to qualify for the full-blown clinical diagnosis. However, these teens struggle just as others do, and so we must address the symptoms they bear, regardless of their label. To do so, parents unfortunately must ask a lot of themselves regarding increasing their patience, mental flexibility, and by adapting their parenting style to meet the needs of their child. All of which will be outlined in PART II of the ADHD Strategy Guide for Parents, coming soon…

Why Teenagers DON’T Talk to Their Parents…

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If you’re the parent of a teenager and feel that communication has broken down, an important first consideration is why communication has fallen apart. Here are four common, and often over-looked, reasons that teens avoid talking with their parents.

1.) NATURAL DEVELOPMENT

Any developmental psychologist will tell you that the hallmark of the adolescent years is the pursuit of identity and the biological drive toward seeking independence. These are not choices teens make, they are based on human development and instinct. This can often be a difficult transition to grasp for parents that (until now) are accustomed to their children relying on them for nearly everything. And with such reliance usually comes open communication and dialogue between parent and child. Parents know just about everything that goes on in their child’s life: who their friends are, performance in school, hobbies, interests, dreams, etc…until kids enter those pivotal teen years.

Since teenagers are new to the idea of independence, their efforts to obtain it are mostly trial and error. As a result, often the first instinct a teenager exhibits is to distance his/her self from their parent(s). This includes such behaviors as: intentionally doing the opposite of one’s parents, questioning rules and expectations, resisting or outright rejecting parental advice, and a notable drop in communication.

Teens begin to shift their focus from family to friends when it comes to advice, emotional support, camaraderie, and bonding. These are the first strides teens take toward individuation—which is considered the healthiest form of independence. As adults, individuation is represented by people who are independent, competent, self-reliant, and yet are able to ask for help and support from others. In order for teenagers to achieve individuation, parents have to embrace the most terrifying of activities: learning to let go.

To clarify, “letting go” doesn’t mean handing your teenager the keys to the car, a wad of cash, and saying “good luck with your life.” It means empowering teens to develop life skills through their own experience. There are number of ways to help your teen to feel empowered, but here are two of the big ones.

Decision-Making: Seize every possible opportunity to encourage your teen to make as many age–appropriate decisions as possible. This gives teens a sense of control over their lives and builds confidence in their judgment and ability to make good choices.

Give them some space: Take a step back, both literally and figuratively, to see what your teenager can do. Let them make mistakes and learn from them. Teenagers desperately need this time to learn to problem-solve and become more self-reliant. Be sure not to step too far back, teens thrive on the knowledge that a parent is right behind them if they need support. And when your teen does seek your counsel, it’s important to avoid shaming him/her by meeting them with empathy rather than judgment or a lecture.

2.) FEAR OF JUDGMENT

Nobody likes to be judged. Especially teenagers. Especially by their parents. As a parent, it’s more than likely you are aware that teenagers are not only hypersensitive emotionally and often insecure about who they are, but have an impossibly strong drive toward acceptance. Interestingly, teens don’t just crave acceptance by their peers, but by their parents as well.

Judgment is a form of rejection, the opposite of acceptance. So if a teenager is crying out for acceptance and is afraid you as a parent might judge him/her, that teenager is far less likely to approach you to talk. It’s hard enough to be rejected by your peers, but when a teen feels rejected by a parent it becomes a betrayal. The scary part is that parents often don’t even realize they’re doing it.

In my work I have observed countless instances where parents make judgmental comments to their teenage child about his/her interests, choices in friends, use of free time, even appearance. Regardless of circumstance, parents represent two crucial themes to their kids that cannot be betrayed if you want to foster a healthy family relationship: safety, and unwavering acceptance.

If you are a parent, you don’t need to share your child’s interests in order to appreciate them. You don’t have to dress like your daughter to know she has style. And you don’t need to account for every second of your son’s free time so long as you know he is safe and responsible. If you can make space in your heart and mind to accept your teenager’s differences rather than judge them, you will find a much stronger bond.

To help your teenager feel more accepted, you as a parent need to do only one thing: embrace their weirdness. Whatever your child is into (assuming it is not something dangerous or harmful) be curious about it, try to find the merits in it, and join in with them when possible.

Example: If your teenage son plays video games like they are going out of style (which he probably does), ask to watch, ask to play, learn more about the games he is interested in.

Example: If your daughter is upset about something seemingly trivial a friend posted on social media, resist the sigh and eye-roll that often accompanies parental attitudes toward “Millennial Drama.” This is the reality of the world teens live in, embrace it and the closer you will become.

3.) NOT LOOKING FOR A SOLUTION

Parents are by far the most influential figures in a young person’s development. Yes, friends, siblings, and mentors are important, but nothing compares to the power of MOM & DAD. Parents are the verbal and non-verbal role models kids observe every day to determine how to exist in this world. As a result, parents quickly realize that their children look to them for instruction, solutions to problems, and knowledge about how the world works. Since this dynamic is repeated constantly for years as a child grows up, it becomes a well-learned routine.

However, as stated above regarding a teenager’s natural development, teens start seeking independence, which means finding their own answers. Unfortunately, most parents aren’t prepared for this sudden shift and default to their normal routine of trying to solve the problem.

Example:A 14-year-old boy comes home from school looking gloomy, avoiding his mother’s gaze.

MOTHER – Hey, how was school?

SON – Fine.

MOTHER – What’s wrong, honey?

SON – Nothing, I’m fine!

MOTHER – Oh, come on. You’re clearly upset. Tell me what happened.

SON – It’s just that I haven’t been able to make any friends at my new school. It sucks. I sit alone at lunch like a loser. 

MOTHER –I’m sorry, honey. You know…tomorrow you should go talk to that Jason boy you mentioned last week. Or maybe you can try out for a sports team? Or maybe you can join a club?

SON – Yeah, I guess. But it’s whatever…

The son promptly gets more irritated, shuts down, and heads to his room. Why? Because he wasn’t looking for his mother to solve his problem.

If your teenager entrusts you with his/her private dilemmas, this is a big responsibility on the part of the parent to handle it appropriately. What I’ve noticed throughout my work is that teenagers usually just want support, not solutions. They want to feel competent enough to find the answer to their own problem while feeling safely held (emotionally) by their parent(s). Here are some alternative responses the mother from the example above could have used that might be more effective:

I’m sorry to hear that honey. Are you okay?

Do you want to talk about it?

Do you need some space?

Yeah, that really stinks. Let me know if you need me. 

 I’m here if you want to talk.

What do you want to do about it? 

Do you want my advice, or do you just want me to listen?

4.) REACTIVE PARENTS

There are two ways human beings can reply to incoming information: reacting or responding. Though they may sound similar, they are completely different. A reaction is quick, based solely on emotion and instinct. A response is slower, based on carefully considering the appropriate reply. Because a reaction comes from our instinctive brain, it serves only us, not the source of the information to which we are reacting.

EXAMPLE: A teenage daughter brings home a report card with several F’s and sheepishly hands it to her father. The father, to whom academics are extremely important, can’t believe his daughter failed so many subjects. Consequently, the father is instantly disappointed, and begins yelling and lecturing.

Guess which parent (if any) that teenage girl will approach with the next report card. Hint: it’s not going to be dad.

Emotional reactivity, more than any other factor I have come across, is the primary reason why teenagers don’t approach their parents with problems, concerns, or trust them with their secrets. Put quite simply, highly reactive parents are unsafe. What’s worse is that this dynamic can foster unhealthy habits in teens such as chronic lying to avoid punishment and developing their own explosive reactivity.

Responding is far more difficult, and requires a higher degree of patience and restraint. To respond to your teenager appropriately, there is one main question you should ask yourself: Is what I am about to say the best thing to help my child? This does not suggest the father has no right to be angry with his daughter for her poor academic performance, but when it comes to anger, remember this philosophy: tell don’t show.

We already know how showing your anger, such as yelling or lecturing, can negatively impact a parent-teen relationship. So how does a parent let their child know how they feel without reacting? Let’s use the same example of the report card from above.

When father sees his daughter’s poor grades, he looks up at her and in a calm voice says the following:

“I’m really disappointed and angry about this. Can you tell me what happened?”

“Where do you think you had the most trouble?” 

More constructive and empowering responses than lecturing would be:

“What can WE do differently next time to improve your grades?” 

“What can I do to help you succeed?” 

A final note to parents. Be patient not just with your teenager, but with yourself. This is really tough stuff that often has a ton of emotional weight and family history behind it. The tools I’ve laid out can definitely help, but just like developing teens learning independence, it is going to be mostly trial and error.